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《我们的顶级商学院之路》Essay精粹连载之七--失败案例

连载之七 --- 失败案例点评

Why are you interested in The Duke MBA program and how will it help you achieve your goals? In answering, please also discuss your career path and state your short and long-term goals. If you are interested in the Health Sector Management concentration or a joint degree program, please address in this essay. (1.5 line spacing, Single-page)
“MBA? You’ve already got a Master’s degree in engineering! Promotion and plenty of money are waiting for you when the company comes into NASDAQ!” That was the response from my friends and colleagues when I told them I was applying for a business school.
【不建议做这样的开头,除非接下来你会对这些观点有个非常好的解释和对自己的动机的解释,要不然显得非常的不自然。】

Although objected by my peers, my desire to attend an MBA program is growing all the stronger. My five-year plan is to work for a global consulting company to help Chinese companies to seek advantage in global competition, and my longterm goal is to establish and operate my own consulting firm for small and medium size Chinese companies of the IT industry. 【文章此处的长期和短期职业发展出现的非常突兀,与前面的第一段的描述完全没有逻辑关系。整体的结构让人一开始就觉得非常迷惑。 】

I have been working for a XXX company in XXX for two years and witnessed its rapid growth from 7 to over 100 employees. Through my two years’ experience there, I’ve come to realize that the need of professional management consulting service for small and medium size companies becomes greater than ever. Competing with large companies, small/medium size companies need to be more flexible in adapting themselves to the quick changes in the market. In order to enhance their ability to use limited resources efficiently and to seek opportunities in global market, more and more Chinese small/medium size companies have now begun to accept the concept of consulting, especially for IT industry. There are incredibly great opportunities in this area.
【又是一大段讲道理,其实在文章当中适量的运用自己的经历做支持,往往比讲道理来得更为有效。】

A Master’s degree in engineering and the professional experience in business enable me to get a deeper insight into the IT industry. Besides, my entrepreneurship experience also enables me to understand both challenges and chances small companies may meet. But I still need to raise my ability in global vision, general management and market analysis of business operation. 【一般在描写“Gap(差距)” 时,先从技能的缺乏讲起,最后再讲到全球化的视野等内容,这里的内容显得比较苍白。尤其是market analysis of business operation,写出来让人觉得不知所云。】 I am confident that all these I could gain in Fuqua. In addition to achieving a solid foundation in business fundamentals, the well-structured and flexible curriculum in Fuqua will also promise me the opportunity to widen my business vision, explore a particular area more deeply and provide me with a better professional opportunity after graduation.
【Why school 也犯了很多人会犯的错误,写的非常泛,这样一段话放到任何一个学校里面去写why school 都不用做任何的修改,完全没有办法看出来Fuqua的特色。在写这段内容时,一定要加入一些学校细节的信息,包括学校特有的课程以及教授名字等等。】

What attracts me most is the “Team Fuqua” spirit. With my working experience in the small company, I fully understand what team work means to a business. If it were not for the collaboration and innovation of our team, the company would have already been defeated in the tough war of competition. I want to learn how to efficiently combine “leadership” with “team work” during my two years study in Fuqua. I also want to bring “Collaborated leadership” to my business and partner companies in the future.

本文来源于尚友部落 , 原文地址:http://www.....com/bbs/viewthread.php?tid=421871&extra=page%3D2
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《我们的顶级商学院之路》学习中。。。

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