《我们的顶级商学院之路》Essay精粹连载之六

连载之六： Kellogg Essay Sample

Describe how your background, values, academics, activities and/or leadership skills will enhance the experience of other Kellogg students (1-2 pages).
I grew up with my grand mother, a perseverant and independent woman who was a pioneer in China’s woman right revolution. She freed over 30 domestic violence victims from disastrous marriages and established the first non-profit hospital in my hometown, providing medical care to women and children. She showed me that there was nothing a female could not achieve, even in a maledominated world, and that giving brings more happiness than receiving.
【这个开头用大部分篇幅在描写作者的奶奶，在这段特殊的历史背景下，表现出作者的奶奶作为一个优秀女性的成功品质。这看似和作者本人无关，但其实最后一句话为全文定下了主基调，暗示了作者本人受到奶奶的深刻影响，也是一名优秀的女性。另外也强调了自己愿意分享的品质，这是商学院看重的，也是此篇essay 希望作者体现出的品质之一。】

These lessons about female leadership and social responsibility shaped my values: pioneering, independent, and responsible. I founded the first and only girls’ soccer team in my high school and published the first student-run college journal in my university. I funded all my college tuitions by part-time work and scholarships. Joining Kellogg, I hope to bring my vision of female leadership to the community through actions. I will take a leader role in the Woman in Business Association (WBA), where I will strive to help Kellogg women enhance career growth and pursue personal visions. I love cat walking and through it I built strong self-awareness. Eager to share my interest, I founded a Modeling Club in my university, and organized workshops for over 60 girls to learn different styles of walking. My only criterion for membership was a willingness to challenge oneself, rather thanlooks or shapes. In Kellogg WBA, I will organize similar activities training how to improve inner confidence and public presence. I also look forward to initiating a modeling club and put up fashion shows in Kellogg to enrich the lives of my fellow students. Additionally, I received rigorous training in etiquette when representing my university to participate in the Etiquette Competition. I expect to give presentations about how to behave properly in business occasions to help Kellogg women sharpen business networking skills.
【作者显然很聪明，从女性领导力入手写自己的贡献。这不仅仅是承接了开头，显得很自然。作者非常清楚自己的作为商学院中的“ 少数” 个体——一个外国女性的优势，相对与大多数本土美国人或者占有商学院大半边天的***而言，作者本身就是非常特殊的个体，很容易表现自己的独特之初。Modeling Club（建模俱乐部）、Etiquette Training（礼仪训练），这些点和作者过往的成功经历相契合的很好，更重要的是很新颖。无论这些活动是不是真的能在商学院里面实施，至少对于一天要读上千篇Essay 的读者而言，是非常新鲜和有意思的。这也是contribution essay（带给学校的贡献的essay）和professional achievement essay（职业成就essay）最大的不同，话题不限于那些严肃的和工作学习相关的点，给作者更大的发挥空间。】

Academically, obtained three bachelor’s degrees in Diplomacy, International Economics and English Literature, I developed a broad perspective of problems at work and life. Sitting in Kellogg’s Game Theory classroom, I will talk about the same merits that the inter-company and inter-personal relations share with international relations. In the Global Business Strategy discussions, I will share my knowledge of the diverse political environments and legal structures, widely disparate cultures and business norms, and varied negotiation strategies and tactics in different countries. I believe my unique perspectives will enhance my fellow students’ knowledge and contribute to the diversity of ideas in Kellogg.
【作者拥有三个本科学位，这也是她能显示出于众多申请者不同的一个闪光点。作者适时的在这里再一次强调了自己的优势】

Professionally, my experience in the Chinese real estate market, the hottest emerging market, will add distinct favor to Kellogg’s real estate management classes and real estate club. 4 years of rigorous training and multi-role experiences in XXX have established solid knowledge base of both real estate and investment for me. I will support my group members in complex cash flow modeling and investment evaluation, and market research. In real estate club, I will give presentations discussing how Beijing Olympics changed the landscape of Beijing real estate market and I will work with other club leaders to organize conference discussing how the world’s green movement will influence developing countries’ real estate industry. I will also help to organize trips of GIM to Asia Pacific region by utilizing my contacts of over 90 investors and consultants. Finally, I look forward to representing Kellogg to participate in the National Real Estate Challenge and repeat Kellogg’s victory of 2007 with my team mates.
【大部分的申请人都会提到自己在职业就、方向对中国特殊的市场或者行业的了解，以此作为贡献之一。逻辑上是正确的，但是这里也很容易出现通病，每个中国申请者都说自己多这个市场的了解就很难体现自己独特的优势，学校录取任何一个中国申请者在这个层面上都是一样的。那么如何克服这个通病？细节！作者在这里就做得比较好，在描述的过程中非常具体的提到了北京的房地产市场在奥运会后的变化。个人认为如果字数允许，作者能加入更多具有中国特色的行业描述更有说服力】

I believe my willingness to share and take social responsibility, my unique academic background, and my professional expertise and experiences will make me a distinct candidate and valuable member to Kellogg community.
点评
总的来说，这一篇contribution essay（带给学校的贡献）还是非常优秀的。结构完整，层次分明，逻辑清晰。除了上面分析的几点，不难看出作者对学校做了详尽的研究，对学校Lecture（讲座）、Club（俱乐部）、Competition（竞赛）、 Trip（旅行）等等都有深入的了解，才能很自然的表现出自己对种种活动的贡献。这些细节同时也表现了作者对学校的忠诚度，因为只有真的喜欢这个学校才会花精力去了解细节。另外，作者多次提到希望在学校里发起各种活动，且不说是否真正可行，从一个层面上又印证了作者的领导力。从这些描述中读者又能再一次感受到作者的人格魅力。Contribution Essay 并不是单纯让你累述你能为学校做什么，要抓住每一个机会表现自己的独特和优秀之处。这也是本文作者成功的地方。