Sometimes I believe that everyone has trouble in learning himself. So it is with me. And the sudden flash of insight never hit me until I found myself trapped in a dilemma. Since then, I got a more incisive idea of myself and the world around me.
It was something happening in this season, late spring and early summer. Birds singing in the sky, flowers blossoming in the garden, kids playing by the river, it seemed that everybody, everything just enjoyed the life and beckoned the glorious season; it also seemed that I was the only person having a mood which discorded with the thriving scenes. I never thought I would be such a despicable person who was able to love two men at the same time, but unfortunately, I was, just like those bad girls playing the field in some TV series.
Several years ago, I met my first boy, who took me to interesting places I never been to, brought me with delicious food I never tasted, and wonderful memories when I was suffering from the pressure of my study. Actually, we had a really good time, and during that boring book-oriented period, he had served as a beautifully-decorated hot balloon, which bailed me out of the stressful life and led me to the paradise of freedom. Finally I convinced myself that this is love.
As time went by, a question began to linger in my mind "Why love became so hurt?". Pains instead of pleasure climbed up onto every inch of my body, as I often found the boy playing computer games instead of working hard to ensure me of a future; as he never listened to my suggestion when I pointed out his defects; as quarrels got more frequent and bitter; as he powered off his cell phone, leaving me alone swallowed by the darkness of night, crying helplessly; as he broke the bond when he thought me annoying him, and then picked up the relationship when he needed me, once and once again. Happiness faded, but I just didn't dare to press "STOP".
Until last year, the second boy came into my life who changed my pattern a lot, but as well as disordered my trains of thought. He was a boy quite different from the first one. He could restrict himself from computer-playing; he would talk with me if bad blood emerged; even if we quarreled, he never ignored me. He owned all the merits which the first boy lacked while I needed most. However, the eagerer I wanted to be with him, the more guilty inflicted me. Meeting him was fate, becoming his friend was a choice, but falling in love with him was beyond my control. I don't want to hurt either of them, for one had become my habit, while the other really cared me. Choice was so hard to make that choosing the former means the betrayal to the love I once adhered to; the latter, my heart.
Unable to get rid of this dilemma, I resorted to Vivian, the best friend in my college. And what she said really stroke on my heart, "If you love two persons, select the second; because you will not love someone else if you truly love the first." Then my memories of the first boy, like a film, began to play back again and again, and suddenly, I found we could be a perfect couple only when we were in good mood, but we could not share the woes together. Love, could it be so shallow and breakable? What an epiphany! Eventually, I was able to be immersed in the hopeful season, for I've got my final answer.
After this experience, I really acquire a new understanding of love and the realization about myself. Love does not merely mean having fun together. Love needs mutual care and compromise. And, more importantly, love cannot be fed on reluctance.
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