[分享]DN's TOEFL写作

DeBon蝶

目录:
(1-3)楼,写作的用词
(3-5)词汇替换、谚语
(6-7)楼,写作的语言
(8-9)楼,写作的构思
(11-13)楼,我的修改

 综述:

iBT的写作部分分为两个板块,一是independent writing(独立写作),另外一个是integrated writing(综合写作)..Integrated writing虽然名曰<writing>,但是我个人觉得这个板块听力的作用远远大于writing本身-因为它只要求将听力部分的内容清楚的称述出来就可以了,对于语言的本身的要求并不高.但是,independent writing对于语言的要求还是相对较高的,而且independent writing的表现直接决定着大家writing section的最后成绩,所以independent writing是相当的重要的-也就是说,大家还是需要提高一下自己的英语的使用和语言的魅力.

TOEFL写作中的语言

综述:就ETS官方的评分标准而言,对语言的要求是:多样化,准确,结构有一定的复杂程度.就像我提到过的那样,语言本身才是independent writing部分成功的关键.接下来将介绍如何提升自己的语言.

一.用词

一切的语言都是由词汇构成,所以我们首先解决用词的问题.

1).解决用词的低级.

  老外喜欢用这么一句话来形容中国学生:talk like books, write like babies.在说话的时候,中国学生喜欢用一些书面或者根本不常用的词汇;在写作的时候,中国学生往往因为自身实力的限制,写出不少的baby English.

  在TOEFL写作中这样的一个普遍的问题依然存在.我在CD上修改了不少的作文,用词的低级是一个几乎在不少的作文中都有的问题.所谓用词的低级,就是指当一个概念在英语中有多种表达时,使用最为初级最为浅显的一种-往往这种用语都是国外baby们使用的语言,所以戏称为baby English.例如: today is very hot. hot本身也许不是一个低级词汇,但是用hot直接来形容热,就太直接太没有水平了,就如同国外3岁儿童说的话一样.同样的例子还有:This choice is very good/bad之类的用语(这里指的是书面写作时用这样的语言很低级,口语中应该没有什么).

  试想,如果一篇文章中充斥着很多低级的词汇,即便它的结构再好,也很难得高分.

  同时,低级的词汇往往限制着意思的表达.不可否认,native speaker可以用2000-3000个单词表达所有英语中的意象,但是对于我们这种将English作为Foreign Language的考生,用2000多个有限的词汇来表达如此丰富的意思是相当困难的,而且很多时候我们会表达不准确.所以我们就要在最基本的词汇上有更多的词汇积累来准确的表达丰富的意思,低级的词汇的表达往往是有限而且很单薄的.

     
例如:important.

如果你说Money is important.那么表达的意思就是:钱重要.

如果你说Money is crucial. 那么就是:钱极为重要.

如果你说Money is vital. 那么就是:钱至关重要.

如果你说Money is cardinal. 那么就是:钱是一切的基础.

  如果你积累了足够的重要的说法,你就可以用不同说法来表达你的意思,如果你只知道最初级的important,即便你加上个very/quite,也无法表示出刚刚提到的后两个意思.

  再比如:good

在写作中说某个选择好: This choice is good.它表达的意思就是这个选择好.

如果是: This choice is fantastic! 它的表达除了好,还有你个人的喜好的感情色彩.

如果是: This choice is an optimal one. 它的表达就是这个选择已经是最好的了.

如果是: No one can be compared with this optimal choice. 这里用一个改变了概念(将<好>改为<无与伦比>)的词组替换了一个单词,从而表明了这个选择的简直是无与伦比. 

    同样,如果是用good,再怎么也表达不出我刚刚提到的意思.

  所以,用词的高级一是可以帮助大家提升表达和语言的水平,同时可以显示出你的词汇等级不错,在写作中是很有帮助的.

  那么怎么避免用词的低级呢?

词汇积累的方法如下(积累足够的词汇是避免用低级词汇的最好办法):

a.写作积累法.

所谓写作积累法就是自己找个题目作文,然后在写作的过程中会发现自己用比较低级的词汇和一些自己不知道如何表达的概念,这个时候就可以分3步走:第一,把低级词汇和不知道如何表达的词汇的中文意象输入<金山词霸>,得出一串单词;第二,将单词输入高档一些的英英词典(个人认为,对于TOEFL考试而言Collins Cobuild最合适,因为Collins Cobuild的操作很简单,运行速度快,解释准确而且简单易懂,同时还有很多例句可以参考<word bank>.Collins Cobuild的第五版可以在eMule上面下载到;对其余的词典,我的意见是:webster的电子版一是版本比较老<2003年>,二是它的解释有的时候),根据文章的语境和单词的表达情况决定如何使用单词,并在写作中反复练习使用这些单词;第三,将这些单词整理成为笔记和自己的words library,以便于复习和翻看.

b.阅读积累法.

这里的阅读积累法指的是通过intense reading来增加自己的词汇量.我认为,用词的低级很大程度上就是因为没有接触足够的英文阅读材料从而造成的后果.没有阅读,就没有新的词汇来源,也没有新的语言的用法,所以用词就低级了.这里我建议的阅读材料是:NCE和U.S.news等美国各大新闻门户的文章.将上面的文章复制到word文档里边,然后打开金山词霸和Collins Cobuild,将不懂的用法和新颖的词汇用红色标出,每完成一段的阅读,就将红色的地方进行进一步的记忆,并将这些部分记到笔记本上.笔记要经常复习.

c.影像材料记忆法.

相信大家看的英美电影和电视剧都不少了,不过我可以肯定的是大家并没有多么注意里边英语使用的魅力.一部好的英语电影(一般都是比较严肃的英语电影中的语言更好,搞笑的电影的用语用于口语是可以的,但是用于写作就不好了),里边可以学习的地方是相当多的.学习的方法:下载英文字幕或者双语字幕的电影,然后打开金山词霸和word文档,用耳朵认真听,眼睛认真看,看到好的地方就记录下来,然后复习.

改变表达方式提升的方法如下(这是快速将低级的用语的表达变得高级一点的方法):

所谓改变表达方式,就是将使用的低级的形容词或者动词改变为别的词性来表达,从而达到更好的效果.

例如:Money is important.这里可以将important的概念用名词表达就是:Money is of importance.再加上一个great这类的形容词,这样的表达就比一个单纯的important来得好.记住:在可以用名词替代形容词表达修饰时,就最好用名词;动词的表达方式的改变也是这样的,比如:I come here to decide where to go.这里的decide的这个概念,同样可以用带名词的动词短语替换,就是:I come here to make a decision on where to go.这样就高级一些了.记住:可以用含名词的动词短语来表达一个动作时,就不要用一个单独的动词.

2).解决用词的重复

用语的重复和用语的低级其实是密切相关的,所以这个板块的方法和解决用词低级的方法很多是一致的.

用词的重复主要表现为将一个词/词组或者一个概念在作文中反复的使用-这是不符合ETS的用词的多样性的要求的.在我修改过的作文中,95%的习作都是不满足用语的多样性的.就如advantage一词,这个词几乎是90%的文章中都会用到的词汇,而且出现的次数往往大于两次,每次我帮大家修改作文,都要将出现2次或者3次的advantage改为:merit或者pros.又比如说表达原因的because,又不少的同学往往喜欢多次使用because,其实because这个词的本身就可以替换为due to, boils down to或者在结构上改为as或者for引导的从句.

用词的重复也包括表达的重复.也许只是大家没有注意-其实does not或者cannot这样的表达也可以算作重复.这点在后面会有专门的分析.

我一直都认为作文中用词的不重复是很重要的,因为这可以很客观的反映你的词汇水平和使用英语的水平,我相信这也是为什么ETS将用词的丰富作为一条很重要的评分标准的原因.

解决用词重复的方法:

a.最简单最快的方法.

把我的Zd’s词汇替换背了.我会把词汇替换表的容量扩充到200,基本覆盖很多常用的表达.这个词汇替换表是专门针对TOEFL考试的,为大家提供了一个常用单词的另外的一或者两种说法.同时,该表的绝大部分单词都有英文的注释(绝对可靠),使用时结合英文注释(英文注释决定了词汇使用的范围和语境,所以使用之前务必核对英文注释,看看是否符合语境),这样至少就可以使大家的词汇看起来很丰富.

b.结构替换法

这种替换的方法是针对一些常用的表达概念.比如:do not, can not, have to do, must, should这样容易重复的表示不,不能,不得不,必须,应该这类概念的替换.这些常见的在作文中容易出现表达重复的概念,是可以用一些比较高级的结构来进行替换的,但是这些替换也是根据不同的语境来确定的.

比如:Sb must do sth.这里就可以改变结构,说:Sth is a must-do to sb.

  又如:I cannot fall asleep when being besieged by such annoying noise.为了避免使用cannot,这里可以说:It is next to impossible for me who is besieged by such annoying noise to fall asleep.

再如:Just now I did not mention the disadvantages of B. 为了避免did not这里可以说: Just now I failed to mention the disadvantages of B. 其实do not这个概念在很多的情况下都可以改为fail to, 所以大家要留心.

又或者:You should do A. should这个概念就在这里就可以改为: Doing A, in most cases, does more good to you.这类的替换. 用这样的替换一是可以避免should的重复,二是可以防止should带来的那种说教的语气在文中出现.

总的来说,用替换结构这种方法对于语言的要求还是比较高的-因为你为了改变一个常用的表达,句子的其他成分也有可能该改变.不过为了使自己的语言变得更高级,这种方法是我强烈建议使用的.

DeBon蝶

课文详解

这篇NCE的文章的语言广泛适用语TOEFL写作中的preference题目和同意或不同意题目.文章的本身是写城市生活比乡村的好,根185的有一题是一致的.看我的分析是一部分,非牛们把里边的句子背下来,写作的时候换换主宾就可以直接使用!效果很好!)

 

 

 

The quiet life of the country has never appealed to me(第一句清楚的称述自己的观点,但是没有用模版式的agree or disagree或者I like, I do not like之类的). City born and city bred(经典句子,作文的highlight,在别的地方同样可以移植类似的结构), I have always regarded(避免了使用think这样的词汇,以后大家要写think的时候,就用regard as) the country as something you look at through a train window(细节的具象化,ETS不喜欢那些抽象的大道理却偏好这些很具体的小细节,这也就是为什么所有的Topic里边都有一个specific的原因了), or something you occasionally(副词的使用充分的表达作者的感情和限定成分,同时避免了sometimes这种相对常见的使用) visit during the weekend. Most of my friends live in the city, yet they always go into raptures at the mere mention of the country(超强的句子!go into rapture,这里用一个很动感的短语表现了friend的狂喜,同时使用了always和mere两个词构成鲜明的对比,表达很生动!). Though they extol the virtues(赞美的高级说法,用一个3词的短语替代一个干瘪的praise,不仅在字数上多了,而且表达更好) of the peaceful life, only one of hem has ever gone to live in the country and he was back in town within(within虽然不是什么高级的东西,但是大家常常忘记用,或者根本没有用within的意识) six months. Even he still lives under the illusion(under the illusion活在幻想之下,这个短语本身就很好,同时,大家在写作时也可以用:a multitude of people live under the illusion that A is superior to B, however, from my perspective…) that country life is somehow superior to town life(somehow也是好词!当你要说有的人荒谬的观点时,就可以说:why some deem A as the optimal choice and somehow superior to B is really beyond me.). He is forever talking(be forever doing,当强调一个动作的时候,这是很好的,be doing比一个单一的do来的强烈得多) about the friendly people, the clean atmosphere(atmosphere的使用避免的用俗了的environment), the closeness to nature and the gentle pace(gentle pace, gentle完美的形容了乡村生活,准确而生动的形容词使用) of living. Nothing can be compared(又学到了,无与伦比的说法,在表达自己肯定的观点的时候可以使用), he maintains, with the first cockcrow, the twittering of birds at dawn, the sight of the rising sun glinting on the trees and pastures. This idyllic pastoral scene is only part of the picture(only part of the picture,仅仅是问题的一个方面,这个短语是很常用的!). My friend fails to mention(这里用fail to do替代了does not do,因为does not do实在太低级了,而fail to do则是好很多) the long and friendless(漂亮的使用) winter evenings in front of the TV(又是一个具体的细节,很符合ETS的口味) -- virtually (在写作中actually这个概念是很容易出现了,这里使用了virtually替换,避免了撞车)the only form(看来唯一的方式不仅仅只是the only way, 这里又用了一个替换,避免了过于普遍的用词) of entertainment. He says nothing(ATTENTION:作者一直没有用does not,却两次表达了否定,say nothing肯定比does not say来得好) about the poor selection of goods in the shops, or about those unfortunate people who have to travel from the country to the city every day to get to work. Why people are prepared to tolerate a four-hour journey each day for the dubious privilege of living in the country is beyond me(注意这里的why…beyond me这种用法,在你要反驳一种观点的时候是很有用的). They could be saved so much misery and expense if they chose to live in the city where they rightly belong(其实这是一个作文结尾的不错模版,可以避免单一乏味的重复).

　　If you can do without(do without,把…方在一边,很强的用法,写作的时候需要反驳一方并支持另一方的时候可以用,如:If you can do without the dubious merits of A, you will swiftly find B…) the few pastoral pleasures of the country, you will find the city can provide you with the best that life can offer. You never have to travel miles to see your friends. They invariably(invariably是我强烈推荐的always的替换,这个词是人家很常用的) lie nearby and are always available for an informal chat or an evening's entertainment. Some of my acquaintances(避免了friends的重复) in the country come up to town once or twice a year(具体的次数其实就是details,大家记住nce or twice绝对比several times好很多,这样才可以体现出你文章的specific,不要认为这些小的地方可以忽视,其实在文章中注意细节,是可以make a difference的!) to visit the theatre as a special treat(特殊待遇). For them this is a major operation which involves(involve这个词大家都知道,却不常用) considerable(elaborate也不错) planning. As the play draws to its close(draw to its close,接近的意思,避免了过于大众的come to the end), they wonder(wonder也是一个建议多用的词汇) whether they will ever catch that last train home. The city dweller never experiences(experience, undergo和suffer两个词汇最好是有机会就用,没有机会创造机会用,ATTENTION: undergo, suffer是经历不好的事) anxieties of this sort(没有出现kind). The latest exhibitions, films, or plays are only a short bus ride away(a short bus ride away,用具体的描写替代了nearby这个概念,这是大家应该学习的,以后形容近就可以说:A is only a couple of minutes walk away). Shopping, too, is always a pleasure. There is so much variety that you never have to make do with(make do with,相信这是大家几乎没有听说过的用法,就是凑合着用的意思,和有用的用法,你可以写:Via the help of B, one will never have to make do with XXX) second best. Country people run wild(run wild是使用避免了crazily这个干瘪的词,如果你能够用frantically当然也很好)
    when they go shopping in the city and stagger home loaded with as many of the exotic items as they can carry(OMG,这个句子很具体的写出了乡村人的不幸,作者用了stagger蹒跚,loaded with装载,as many as they can多, exotic items外来物品,4个概念组成了一幅农民进城的生动画面,阅卷人就喜欢这样的有details<details在TOEFL考试中其实是很重要的一个东西,简直是crucia>)句子,以后大家想要形象的描写一个东西就可以按照这个句子的模式来些). Nor is the city without its moments of beauty(双重否定表肯定,用这样的句子就可以显示出你的语言功底,同时要提醒的是moments of xxx这个用法是要一有机会就用的,比如你先说B有什么不好,再说A很好,你就说Nor is A without its moments of XXX). There is something comforting about the warm glow shed by advertisements on cold wet winter nights. Few things could be more impressive than the peace that descends on deserted city streets at weekends when the thousands that travel to work every day are tucked away in their homes in the country(这个句子你很可能一掠而过,但是这里的结构同样是值得学习的: Few things could be more impressive than A其实就是A is more impressive than many things,但是这里一个小小的替换就避免了简单的称述句,这是那些句子很单一的同学们应该好好学习的). It has always been a mystery to me who city dwellers, who appreciate all these things, obstinately pretend that they would prefer to live in the country(漂亮的收尾,没有反对的词汇,却表示出了反对的意思,这也是结尾的一个很好的模版).

DeBon蝶

Whether should we work with a group as a team or work in dependently(这个句子成分不完整, should…修饰的是whether,句子没有谓语和宾语,所以他给你改动了)? I have to admit that is a tough choice(看来他是比较讨厌废话的,在我以前的修改中我也提到过,能不写废话,就不写). Some people tremendously emphasize the significance of cooperation. Numerous(为了和some对应,这里应该是用other) people, however, think otherwise. They claim that individual talent or ability can not be neglected(other people, however, think it is the other way around-individual talent or ability should not be neglected<这里用一个破折号连接一下,将两个句子揉合到一起>). after a serious thinking ,I believe that the appliance of them depend on difference circumstances(As far as I am concerned, it is the specific circumstance that decides in what way we work-as this circumstance is not the exactly same in every different situation, one’s methodology should adapt to this uncertain circumstance-which means, there is no absolute answer to the question above..我这里改的比较的复杂,但是我个人认为解释了一下,使文章不那么简单. 这里有中立的嫌疑,我不建议中立).

for many cases(这里的确使in most cases,我在以前的修改中也有提到), teamwork is more important than working independently. To give a demonstration(既然他说不好,那就说let us say或者it will suffice to mention), many documents or projects of corporation, as is well- known to everyone, are so complicated and time-consuming(这里有几个问题:一是,你用的as is,但是后面跟的却是are,有不一致;二是,so that是结构,你只有so没有that,这里结合举例的句子,可以说:it will suffice to mention one task that invariably suffers a notorious reputation for it is the combination of complication and the time-consuming-<这里是一个破折号>the file management<我也不清楚档案管理该如何说>), if project(such a project) is done merely by one person, it surely will waste a lot of time and can not be as deliberate(deliberate似乎不这样用) as the teamwork(我这里有一个扩充的修改:Suppose that let an individual to undertake such a project, inevitably, a lot of time will be wasted to finish it for one’s vigor and ability are to some degree limited and the result, of course, is not satisfactory. ). Moreover the careless mistake(这里提醒一下,名词,要么是the+复数,要么是a+单数) made by individual may give rise to a adverse perhaps a catastrophic result(may trigger an adverse or even catastrophic result,两个形容词在这里都是选择性的,所以用一个or连接) which (can) cause the corporation losing vast amount of money,even the reputation(这里可以用名词,which can lead to a financial loss and a damage of reputation simultaneously). nevertheless, working as a team can avoid such disastrous problems(发挥NCE3:Well, if teamwork can be utilized/practiced in such situations, we can be saved so many expanses and miseries). Because the whole project can be divided into many parts such as advertise(advertising), budget and management. due to this(due to this中的due to和because重复了), they can make a better one(我发现你对于每个事件或者假设的解释不够清楚,所以显得比较没有说服力:As the whole project can be divided into many parts such as advertising, budget, and management, those parts can be assigned to different people who have related expertise-via this way, a better result could be expected).

On the other hand, there also are(are also) reverse cases. In many crucial moment(复数) working independently ,as is a case in point(这里和reverse cases重复了), can help the team win the victory. Michael Jordan, the greatest basketball player(他就是最伟大的,用greatest很正确), provide(provided) us (with) a situation(quintessential example) mentioned above. Before the end of last game of the NBA finals against the jazz in the 1997-1998 season(In the sixth game of the NBA 97-98 season Finals against Utah Jazz), Jordan only had one chance to help the team win the game. At that moment, he didn't cooperate with others(我觉得这里这样写成At that moment, MJ, instead of choosing a teamwork, turned to a one-man show-he stole the ball form Malone, dribbled to the front court, shook off Russell, and won the sixth championship with a perfect majesty shoot-incredibly and, because all of this were done by MJ himself, independently), he played at a level. Then he made a jump shot with 5.2 seconds left that sealed a 87-86 victory and won his sixth NBA championship.

Consequently as you see(在我所有的修改中,我一直不用这样的句子,首先是我不喜好用you,然后是这样的用法我不肯定.) it is extremely(有的时候,为了表达自己的观点的正确性和无可置疑性,我们用副词来加强语气;我也提到过,在表达否定的时候,最好不要太绝对.这里是中间,也就是一个比较客观的立场,所以最好不要加带有主观倾向的副词,但是,这里可以说next to impossible) hard to conclude (名词原则,make a conclude/arrive at a consensus) which is or(more) important. Working with a group of people and working independently, therefore, are equally significant.

DeBon蝶

三

As Confucius, the greatest philosopher and educator living in the Chunqiu period of ancient China, commented," act and music can purify students' thought". According to this noble sage, music and act have tremendously salutary impacts on student's lives. I do strong support with his idea.

(Just as Confucius, the greatest philosopher and educator in ancient China, once commented,“art and music can purify human souls and lead us to a spiritual world lies beyond.” In the light of this noble sage’s guide, music and art have tremendously salutary impacts on students and virtually they do have, hence my perspective-every student should, more or less, be required to learn art and music)

For starters, music and art has beneficial influence on students' language abilities. In the light of a survey, it is a direct correlation that between improved language scores and the length of time spent studying the arts and music. Students who have had school music classes or act(art) classes scored 52 higher on the verbal portion of their SATs than those without arts or music instructions. Arts and music. The result of better language abilities(capabilities), obviously, is responsible for students' improved school grades and better adjusted social behavior.

(For one thing, as a matter of fact, art and music can influence students’ language capability positively a great deal. In the light of a survey, there is a direct correlation between improved language scores and the length of time spent on arts and music. Amazingly, those who are required to learn art and music in school achieve an average 52 points lead than those who are not in the verbal portion of SAT. Such a tangible improvement, more or less, could boil down to the art and music study. Consequently, art and music help students in their academic study therefore I deem it as something must-learn in school)

Moreover, art and music also can
   contribute significantly to children's intellectual development(我个人认为,提升语言和提升智力有等同的地方). My best friend Jerry, a freshman in Yale, is a perfect(quintessential也可以) case in point. A is said, he has learned violin for ten years. That experience proved to be of crucial(形容importance前面一般加paramount) importance in his study of philosophy and math. Reasoning(Concluding) that the instruction of violin can stimulate his rational thinking skills. Furthermore, many very best engineers(a multitude of the top engineers) and technical designers in the silicon valley industry are, nearly without exception, practicing musicians(对此我表示怀疑.在举例的时候,可以说有很多,但最好不说几乎所有.因为人家的information和我们的可能不同,而且人家在美国.).

(Moreover, art and music can also contribute significantly to one’s intellectual development. My best friend Jerry, a freshman in Yale, is just a quintessential case in point. Just as mentioned, he has been learning violin for more than a decade. This experience, as he said seriously, proved to be of paramount importance in his study of philosophy and mathematics, concluding that the instruction of the violin exerts some stimulation of his rational thinking. Furthermore, a multitude of the top engineers and technical designers in the silicon valley are practicing musicians.)

Last but not the least, viewing art and listening to music are optimal ways for students to reduce their academic pressures(To such two important reasons, another must be added-appreciating art and classical music, as many of us believe, is the optimal avenue to release students’ stress in academic study.). To give a demonstration,  when I am stressed by exams(Every time when I am under the intense pressure resulted form the coming exams), listening to Avril's CDs is as the best activity it is as is held by myself. I find that this activity to be effectively soothing and calming. Likewise, enjoying painting can have a similar effect. Especially, when I  lose(immerse) myself in paintings, I can feel enormous relax(enormous relax?可能用错了).
    

It is essential, consequently, that studying art and music in secondary school can be nothing but positive(can be nothing but这样的句子少来) for all students. art and music can not only spark students' potential but also help students relax themselves.  

四

When people are asked what life is, I maintain, thousand individuals will hold thousand opinions（平庸无奇的开头，开头要具体才可以吸引读者：Some live in the world in the hope of being respected; to a multitude of us, as a matter of fact, lives are all about those colorful papers-money; and to a few unfortunate people, life is something toils or bores them to death. Virtually, it is a formidable job for anyone of us common people to give an accurate definition of what life is.）.However,
     From my point of view (from my perspective), I agree with author’s opinion (强烈建议楼主把topic的观点用另外一种方式表达出来). My interpretation of this opinion（opinion这个词出现了太多词，不能体现词汇的多样性opinion＝idea, perspective, viewpoint, standpoint, stance; 当然，不用类似的意见的词汇来表达自己的观点才是高的水平：One might strive assiduously for affluence and gratifying his/her endless rapacity while being utterly unconscious of the fact that he is struggling in a banal existence-where material dominates, actually, life, could be someway higher than merely and pathetically chasing those fleeting fame and gain.要写抒情的文章，楼主的语言还是远远不够的） is that having everything cannot present a life from all aspects because, along with having everything, life also includes what you enjoy from having a thing, what you are experiencing in the process of obtaining a thing, and when the thing you expect is in your possession. (thing这个词在这句话出现了太多次，而且该句的表意很不清楚，可以改为：Why, many of us may wonder, do our lives invariably fail to satisfy us? Because we are in the thirst of being contented-we run frantically to escape the revenge mentally emptiness. Nevertheless, we found to possess is to abate such a natural panic-only via this method, might we find us contented, even fugaciously. )

       On the first place, we, by no ways, title a person as the best happiness person in the world simply by the reason that he or she has everything (你要记住,你是在抒情,语言不可以停留在9年级的水平,可以改为: We might have tried to get out of some mundane rules but can not help go behind the stereotype that put his/her happiness and possession at the different sides of an equal mark.).  To judge whether a person is very happy, it is inevitable to ask the question whether the person enjoy from what he or she has(这是句重复的话,没有意义). Facts witness and present many examples(example最好不要用,建议使用demonstration,因为这个比较少有人用,这里句型可以改为sth provide sb with a quintessential demonstration). Extremely poor as the homeless are, they are proud of their freedom(平庸,可以改为: An wealthy one might pour his scorn and derision on those who are struggling in the extreme poverty. However, the poor, to some degree is also fortune-they have never set themselves up to money as a prisoner.). An average work, without a great deal of wealth (概念错误,这里应该用income或者salary), still enjoys the leisurely life style (以我之愚见, enjoy似乎不可以这么用的, 改为: Even a comparatively lower income, virtually, would not spoil one’s leisure time if s/he can set the paper(money, of course) matters aside.). In contrast, an increasing number of CEO is beginning to complain that they are the slaves of money(写作是需要给原因的,不然别人会问-so what? 这里可以改为: Quite the reverse, astonishingly high salary, at times, can not guarantee one’s happiness-too much money brings burden in many ways simultaneously. It will suffice to mention those CEOs who work around the clock only to find s/he could barely extrude some time to use the papers. However, they still want more even they are now living in the pure-gold-made jail).

        On the second place, so important is the process that a person is experiencing to reach a goal that we cannot ignore the value of the process.  Some people learn a lot from their failure; some people pay little attention to things they get easily; some people are motivated by difficulties they have ever met to achieve their goals. (这也可以叫”抒情”?9年级的写作又出现了)

        Last, but not least (用烂的开头), a thing stands for different meanings for the same person over time. When I was young, I wanted to be older; however, when I do grow up, I expect to stop time’s flying and keep me young forever. A piece of bread is so important for a person suffering from starvation, but it is valueless for the same person when he or she has everything. (这个可以作为论证的材料?时间对人的意义和拥有的意义是很难扯上联系的,况且楼主根本没有扯)

 (最后两段我已经没有心情再改下去,实在写得……….)

        In conclusion, I believe that life means more than having everything.(永远不要重复topic)
     

如果这是你花了两个小时写的作文,那么很不幸,楼主的TOEFL作文水平仅仅停留在2-3分之间. 作为一个大学生,写出的作文是不应该这样的缺乏档次的.其实很多初中生都可以写得比这个好很多.我的语言可能会尖刻,但是绝对是没有撒谎的-我不希望让楼主对自己的写作有错误的估计-你还有很长的路要走.我给你改的前几段有很大的价值,仔细研究可以提升写作的水平.

这里有一些建议:

1.       NCE3和NCE4,楼主应该买来精读.

2.       如果你很功利的话,那就可以认真研究TWE185-至少可以保证你得个4分.

3.       4.75或者5分的文章语言是很有魅力的,所有阅读是不可少的.The Economist肯定不适合你,所有你应该将NCE4的文章好好研究.

4.       买一本Dan Brown的英文小说.

DeBon蝶

我的修改

一

Nowadays (nowadays已经是很过时的用法了,建议使用Currently或者at present), many (这些小的地方也是可以注意改动的many可以换成a multitude of) university students have been granted the right to(这里使用错误,应该是the right is granted to students, 这是很正式的用法) choose at least part of their classes(这里用courses表达课程,应该会更准确); this is a beneficial transformation for both the professor (professors) and the students. On professors’ the part, this new system urge them to improve their quality of teaching or they will (be) out of business in that (for the simple reason that) no students will choose the class he\she(s/he) taught(gives). On students’ part(to those students, 尽量避免重复), they can choose classes(course) according to their interests, personal learning ability (capability更好,因为所有人都用ability), and career plan (plans). Nevertheless, this system also poses (这里可以用trigger a problem, 这是引发的比较地道的说法,是可以显示出写作水平的词汇) another worrying(perturbing更好) problem that students might only choose pushover  (楼主在这里用了俚语,用俚语需要慎重, effortless应该更好) classes and dodge(这里用shun更好,因为shun可以更准确的表现出有意的躲闪,而dodge的意思和楼主要表达的意思实际上不一致的) the high-demanding ones. Should grade rather than knowledge they will gain at the end of the semester be the top concern(take the priority) when students decide which classes(courses) to take? I as far as I am concerned, the answer to the above question(questions) is “no, it shouldn’t”. (it指代的什么??)

Admittedly(这是用烂的词,这里可以用indubitably无庸置疑替代), grades are of vital importance(vital和importance概念有重复,这里可以用indispensable替代) to every student, given the daunting(这里用的并不太好,可以用formidable替换,也可以用fierce,激烈) competitions faced by today’s college students(这句话很不通顺,建议后面的条件提前). With the ever(用invariably)-increasing tuitions, the(不用the) top grades can(最好避免用can,这里可以替换为might)
   ,to a certain extent, secure(guarantee)
   an individual’s chance to get(receive) a scholarship, which will greatly relive(lighten和burden对应) student’s financial burden and allow he\she(s/he) to devote more time to pursue academic excellence instead of taking part-time jobs. Moreover, if a student is intended to apply to a graduate school after getting his\her bachelor’s degree, a record of good grades is invariable a must to get admitted by a prestigious grads school. The usefulness of a record of presentable grades will not be any less when the newly graduate try to land a well-paid job with a multinational corporation. All the above cases, with no exception, demonstrate the necessity to keep top grades, which seem to justify the facts that the bulk of the students stay away from the classes, in which to get the top grades looks missions impossible. (这部分真是写得让我无法下笔修改,所有我进行的重写: To such concerns, another one must be added. Academic report invariably plays a cardinal role in job seeking. Let us suppose that, a young man who has just graduated from university with a pathetically low grade attempts to be employed by a big company. Unfortunately, he has to face those who are excellent in their study and have received amazingly highly comments on their academic accomplishments from professors. Undoubtedly, he will inevitably experience the frustration resulted from the failure of job seeking. One with a low grade is really fragile in the fierce, or to be more accurate, brutal competition in modern society.)

While the incentives to keep a good GPA are understandable and acceptable, top grade is definitely not the sole(unique) goal, which we strive(终于看到一个出色的用词了) to achieve in our university years(in the duration of our university time). The knowledge and skills we acquired through the classes, especially those challenging ones, will benefit us in the long run. A challenging class is an adversity; however, we should not fail to realize that we are likely to reap more from a class which is no pushover (Such courses are, to some degree, difficult to cope with. As a matter of fact, it is adverse circumstance that stimulates us to improve our capacity and develop those astonishing potential), (Just) as Henry Ford put it, “in every adversity, there is a chance to grow”.

For example(要想得高分,就最好不要用for example或者for instance), the statistics has always been ranked number one on the charts of
  “must avoided optional classes”(the must-avoid optional classes外国人一般这样用) in my department, which is prepared students to become tomorrow journalists(这句话比较难理解,但是has always been后面一般接进行时). Though mathematics had never been easy for me, I chose statistics in my sophomore year anyway for I knew that statistics could be an indispensable tool in analyzing raw data. I was forced to cut back my other social activities and attended after-class study group during that semester since I had a hard(tough) time to figure out what was taught in my statistics class. Despite all my hard working(In spite of all the endeavor I have made), I only got a B in the end. However, in retrospect, my decision to take statistics was nothing but right for the statistics had proved to be very useful in my daily work as a journalist. (勉勉强强的一段,语法错误较少.但是nothing but在这里用似乎语气不对.) 

In sum, while there are legitimate reasons for those who take a less demanding class to ensure a good grade, we shouldn’t have such a myopic focus since challenging class are proved to be more useful in the long run(不要重复,in the coming days) and we need something challenging to make our university years more interesting and unforgettable. (结尾也比较一般)

这是一篇有很多问题的文章.

1.       论述不清楚.作者想说有些困难的学科也要学,但是却用了大量的篇幅写了些表意不清晰的话.

2.       作者的语法基础不好,有很多不应该出现的错误.

3.       用词的重复很严重.

4.       作者尝试用高级的句型,但是往往出错.

5.       作者连模版都没有学习应用好.

6.       作者多次出现用词不准确,很显然,文章中的词汇是查的低级的字典,而非出自作者的大脑
   

7.       拖沓,语言缺乏力度.

改进的办法
   

1.       如果作者在近期要考TOEFL的话,那应该赶快去背TWE185.作者的作文水平在3分上下.

2.       如果作者还有比较多的时间来准备考试,那应该准备新概念3和4.新概念的文章很好,作者最好可以背下来.

3.       作者的语法错误比较大,最好自学一下语法.

我的语言比较直率,但是也是为楼主好.

You’ve got a long way to go

DeBon蝶

二

Have you ever got a part-time job in a movie theater that cost you only a few minutes（稍微夸张了点） on your way to work? Have you ever enjoyed a movie in the movie theater after a jogging from your home to the movie theater? Have you ever had a discussion on a movie with your friends for over a week?(终于有人犯这个错误了。其实也不算是错误，不过要注意：排比是可以用的，但是用的话最好就用比较有水平的，不然给人的感觉就会不伦不类。同时要提醒的是：排比不一定就是have you...have you...这样很工整的结构，一些较为散的结构实际上也可以构成排比:One thing will provide you with a part-time job which never toils you to death but offer a considerable salary, sounds good? You can also make yourself content via spending some time in it and leave no time for boredom. Appealing? To such attractions, another must be added-it invariably supplies you with adequate material for leisure time chats. Wow, fabulous! Then, what is it-A movie theater.我觉得我这个也一般，只是稍微升了一下级。当然，ETS大概也不会太苛刻，我这里只是建议不要用排比.) If you had never had these experiences, you would never know how much a movie theater near your home could give(offer) you. As a matter of fact, I will be the most excited person on the planet（这个还是太夸张了，不过可以说：I would be the first person to cheer if a movie theater were to be built in our neighborhood） if a movie theater is erected(感动呀，终于有人用我的替换表里边的词汇了，LZ是不是从我的那个表里边看到erect这个词的？erect可是很好的用法) near my home.

(很好很好，没有用模版！模版作文我没有兴趣改。值得鼓励!开头有具体的东西，很好，只是还需要一些加工。)

（这里直接就接理由，太突兀了。可以先说：For one thing，）The movie theater provides various(various强调的是different types,在这里不合适，换成considerable，可观的，似乎比较好） employment opportunities, such as（such as这个词被用得太多，这里用say，<say后面要有逗号>代替such as，这是很多中国学生都不会用的,但是很地道） a booking clerk, a projectionist, a buffet sever and a usher, to the(those) joblessness who are(live) close to(around) the movie theater. It is a strong(potent这个单词可以很好的表达你的意思:effective and powerful) measure to tackle(用得好!这里还可以用cope with) unemployment (in our neighborhood,限定是要加的,这样才使文章严谨). Working in a place adjacent(好好好,没有重复!) to your home can both save time and transportation fee(expense开销,fee的意思是:a sum of money that you pay to be allowed to do something,这里不合适).

If you have already had a fantastic(语气稍微过了点,用ideal吧) job and you are affluent(完全感动了,affluent,多好的词呀!后面加个enough, you are affluent enough), the movie theater will be crucial(crucial的确是important的意思,但是crucial是比较严肃的那种词汇,这里用可以表达到你的意思,但是过于严重了点.要用important也可以,你就写:XXX plays a important role in XXX) to you in a like manner. These days, I bumped into a bit more big beefy man adjoining my home, to my surprise, the majority(这个词在这里又用得不合适,用most吧) of them has not any neck! It seems that they have too much fat(形容猪可以用fat,但千万不要用fat形容人,因为fat是有一种鄙视和贬义的,overweighed是个不错的选择,过重的,而不是肥猪一般的.你说话的时候也要注意,不要用fat,除非那个人你很讨厌). In view of(高级一点的替换:In the light of,鉴于…) the seriousness of the problem, I believe that after a movie theater being established besides my home, various absorbing movies may be the motive power that let you jog or walk to the movie theater every days(这个也太牵强了.). One of my schoolmates did slow-running to the movie theater adjacent to his home to see a appealing movie invariably(invariably表示“总是”这个概念是很好的，但是表示每天，不间断，这里就用every day) during approach a month, eventually, he found it astonished(amazing or astonishing) that he had almost lost 10kg(其实你说kg美国人不一定清楚是多少，以后作文中距离用miles，重量用lbs，表现出你美国化) without any （加个形容词formidable令人生畏的，来反面衬托movie theater的好处）weight-losing diet.（不一定所有的reasons都要例子来支持，例子如果太牵强，就不要举，比如这段的这个）

It is indisputable that currently（好好好，没有用nowadays） an increasing number of people are beginning(这里表达不是很好，可以改为:are gradually accustomed to，渐渐的习惯与) to choose to see a movie at home, for its convenience and time-saving advantage（merits）. Unfortunately, you (simultaneously) will never(lose the chance to) experience the (这里可以用fantastic来修饰了，记住：你要说一个东西好的时候，要用修饰来表明它的好，sound effect不一定是好的，但是fantastic sound effect就是很吸引人的了) sound effect and the atmosphere in the movie theater. After seeing a horror（horrible） movie in the movie theater, once I was alone at home. I checked all the room and hold my books in my hand as a weapon. In contrast(Quite the reverse,恰恰相反的是), my friend who saw the same movie at home was completely normal（我个人认为在家看更恐怖。）. How a simple movie seen at the cinema a week earlier modify my actions（这句话的表意我不清楚）.

According to the reasons mentioned above, I extraordinarily like a new movie theater （to be built）being built in my neighborhood.

（结尾还可以多写点，如果时间不够，就算了）

不错，终于看到一个摆脱模版束缚的文章了。

至少是不落窠臼。

用词不错，达到了多样性的要求，但是还是比较的欠缺准确性，有的地方用的不合适。有空的时候多查查词典。

LZ 写长难句容易出错或者表意不清楚，需要多练习。NCE3和NCE4是我强烈推荐的。

这里就是这些了，

当然还要推荐我的writing tips和我给别人的修改，看看会有帮助

DeBon蝶

文章的构思

 

前面已经提过,写作的根本还是流畅地道的语言,但是这并不意味着文章的结构和论述的本身不重要.当谈及这两个点时,就需要讨论一下文章的构思了.

 

  在讨论之前,先要说说一些所有题目共通的内容.

1).开头段

  好的开头是成功的一半.这句话其实在很多方面不一定对,但是在TOEFL考试中是很适用的.其实这里分析一下阅卷人的心态.

其实第一段就如同一个人的长相,当我们看到一个人时,我们的第一印象都是由他们的外表决定的.同样,阅卷人对每份作文也都是有第一印象的.而决定这个印象的,就是文章的开头.当我们看到美女时,我们就会经常把美女和美好的事物,积极的一方面联想到一起,所以我们往往会认为和美女有关的东西时美的.一个好的开头同样有这样的效果.阅卷人有了一个好的印象后,他/她就会在阅读完你的第一段后觉得你是一个写作不错的人.为了验证他/她的内心的这个对你积极的评价,他/她就会在你后面的写作中努力的寻找你的highlights,同时,一些不足也就被忽视了.当他们在找到一个highlight的时候,会很兴奋,因为他们对你的预判得到了证实.反之,如果你的开头是个令人作呕的老套模版开头结合nowadays和in my opinion还有一堆废话为一体,那么你就危险了.因为阅卷人会产生一个不好印象,为了验证这个不好的印象是对的,他/她会努力寻找你文章的不足,所以一些highlights就有可能被误杀,一些minor errors也很有可能被放大!

相信看完以上很reasonable的论述后,大家应该明白第一段的重要性了.

Well, 那就让我们写好第一段.

首先,我们必须明白第一段的作用:总起全文,表明观点.那么如何引出讨论来总起全文呢?有不少的考生都习惯于在第一句直接复述题目的话或者换一个方式复述题目的话,其实在我看来,这样都是不好的.复述的本身,就是没有水平的一种表现,而且开头直接的开始话题,一是太突然,二是不符合人家的习惯.一般而言,开头的第一句应该是就把要讨论的话题放在一个很general,比较宽泛的载体上提出来.比如:我们要讨论是不是要建设一个movie theater,那么我们开始的第一句就最好不要直接说现在有一个激烈讨论着的话题:是否在我们的社区修个movie theater,换之,general一点,就说:现如今,电影工业对人们的影响越来越大了,电影也早已经深入千家万户.然后,就开始转向要讨论的东西,就从宽泛逐渐过渡到具体,接下来,就说:这种影响将变得更为明显-如果一个movie theater修在我们的社区的话.这样就很自然的过渡到了movie theater.而后,就可以理所当然的引出论证的话题了:但是对于修还是不修,大家意见不同.在我看来……

我觉得,这样的开头就是比较自然的了,而且符合人家的思维习惯(如果大家有研究过NCE,也会发现NCE上面的文章很多都是又general到specific的).

这样的一个开头,大概是这样: As no doubt, movie industry, since its birth in last century, has changed everyone’s life a great deal. And now, this influence will become more tangible to our neighborhood if a movie theater is to be built nearby. However, this plan of setting up a movie theater is not a simple one for a multitude of people hold different ideas of building it or not. From my perspective…

可以看到,以上的这个段落是步步深入的,真正的入题是在第3句,前面两句的引导和铺垫让提出议论的一句变得自然了许多,这个是很有必要的.

这里还有一个例子:题目是人们为什么要读大学.按照刚刚的思路结合NCE4上面的文章的开头,这里就可以写为:Education is one of the key words of our time. In modern society, a man without a formal college education, to some degree, will be deprived of countless opportunities in many ways hence the mainstream’s choice-attending universities or colleges.

DeBon蝶

101.in my opinion=from my perspective

102.very much=a great deal

103.for example=to give a demonstration

104.however=as a matter of fact, it is the other way around

105.agree with=uphold(support and maintain)

106.be full of=be saturated with(be filled with sth completely)

107.by=via

108.according to=in the light of

109.when it comes to=in terms of

110.from a XXX perspective=in XXX sense

111.find a job=land a job

112.latest=up to date

113.achieve a goal=attain an accomplishment

114.at the same time=simultaneously

115.at the start of=on the threshold of

116.certainly=to a certain extent

117.with doubt=indubitably

118.in XXX means=via XXX avenue

119.disagree with=be the last one to uphold

120.as fast as=apace with

单词

121.awful=nauseous(if something makes you nauseous, you want to vomit)

122.lack=scarcity(if there is a scarcity of something, there is not enough of it for people)

123.suddenly=abruptly(very sudden and often unpleasant)

124.agree=espouse(the same as agree with)

125.immortal=eternal(something that is eternal can last forever)

126.gigantic=enormous(very large in size or amount)

127.horrible=macabre(strange and horrible or upsetting)

128.generous=munificient(very genrous, FORMAL)

129.advantage=merit(if something has merit, it has good or worthwhile qualities)

130.happy=jovial(if someone is jovial, s/he is happy and behaves in a cheerful way)

131.sad=inconsolable(extremely sad and cannot be comforted)

132.brave=gallant(if someone is gallant, s/he behaves bravely)

133.disappear=vanish(ATTENTION:vanish means disappear suddenly or in a way cannot be explained)

134.difference=divergence(a divergence is a difference between two or more things, opinions or attitudes)

135.repeat=iterate

136.effective=efficacious(the same as effective, FORMAL)

137.dishonest=mendacious(a mendacious person is someone who lies)

138.talkative=loquacious(if someone is loquacious, s/he talk a great deal)

139.think over=contemplate(think carefully), ruminate on(think carefully)

140.tendency=vogue(in vogue means very popular)

141.protect from=shield from(the same as protect from)

142.lazy=slothful(lazy and unwilling to make an effort to work), indolent(lazy, FORMAL)

143.limited=finite(something that is finite has a definite fixed size or amount)

144.disadvantage=defect(a fault or imperfection in a person or thing)

145.useless/in vain=futile(ATTENTION: if you say something is futile, you mean there is no point of doing, usually it has no chance of succeeding)

146.undeniable=there is no gainsaying(FORMAL)

147.potential=latent(used to describe something hidden or not obvious at the moment, but which can develop further in the future)

148.harmful=baneful

149.daring=audacious(someone who is audacious takes risk to achieve something)

150.talent=aptitude(someone's aptitude for a particular kind of work or activity is his/her ability to learn it quickly and to do it well)

151.waste=dissipate(dissipate means waste money, time or effort in a foolish way)

152.obstacle=stumbling block

153.many=a multitude of, a myriads of

154.good=superb(if something is superb, its quality is very good indeed)

155.random=haphazard

156.behave=conduct(if you conduct yourseld in a particular way, you behave in that way)

157.kind of=sort of

158.loyalty=fidelity(fidelity is loyalty to a person, or organization, or set of beliefs)

159.embarrassing=awkward(an awkward situation is embarrassing and difficult to deal with)

160.building=edifice(ATTENTION: an edifice is a large and impressive building)

161.unendurable=unsufferable(if you say something is unsufferable, you are emphasizing that it is very unpleasant and annoying)

162.undoubtedly=as no doubt

163.although=albeit(the same as although)

164.unwilling=grudging(a grudging feeling or action is felt or done very unwillingly)

165.hardly=scarcely(you use scarcely to say that something is not true or is not the case, in a humorous or critical way)

166.courage=nerve(nerve is the courage you need in order to do something difficult or dangerous)

167.generally=as a rule

168.understand=discern(if you can discern something, you are aware of it and know what it is)

169.obviously=transparently(easily understand or recognize)

170.define as=address as

DeBon蝶

附录3:常见的谚语翻译(来自www.ttadd.com)

一桶水摇不响，半桶水响叮当
  
有人照字面译成：The full pot of water makes no sound; the half-empty pot of water is noisy. 老外听后，也许会感到困惑。他们有自己的说法：A little knowledge (or learning) can be (or is) dangerous.（一知半解很危险）
  或者说：Still water runs deep.（静水深不可测）
  也可以说：He who knows the most says the least.（懂得越多的人，反而说得越少。）
   

水落石出
  
有人照字直译为：As the water level sinks, the stones are exposed. 这样说，恐怕老外还是听不懂。他们的说法是：All secrets may eventually come to light. (所有秘密最后总会曝光。) 也可以说：Eventually, every secret will be disclosed.

这山望到那山高
  
有人译成：The apples on the other side of the wall are the sweetest.（意思是：墙那边的苹果最甜）
  当然，如要译成：If you stand on a mountain, you feel the distant mountain seems higher than yours. 老外也勉强能接受。
  而他们的最习惯说法是：The grass always looks greener on the other side.（另一边的草，看来总是绿些。）
   

烈火炼真金，患难见真情
  
有人译成：Fire is the test of gold；adversity is the test of friendship. 这句译文，虽然很好，老外也能了解，但是他们还有另外的说法：Liquor brings out a person’s true color.（烈酒能显示一个人真正的特色）
  或者说：Wine reveals a person’s true heart. 虽然老外不用"烈火炼真金"的比喻，但有"路遥知马力"的说法：By a long road, we know a horse"s strength；at times of difficulty, we discover a friend’s true character.

雷声大，雨点小
  
有人译为：The thunder roars loudly, but little rain falls. 或者说： All we hear is thunder, but no rain falls. 虽然这样直译比较容易理解，但是老外的说法是这样的：Actions speak louder than words. (行动胜于言谈) 或 All we hear is words, but there is no action. （只动嘴不动手）
  或 Actions and words should go hand in hand. (言行必须一致) 另外，还有英语里还有这样的说法： An empty barrel makes biggest sound.（空洞的话说得太多了。）
  

人不可貌相，海水不可斗量
   
有人译为：A man can not be known by his look, nor can the ocean be measured by a dipper. 这样的译法只是直译，如果能够稍加修改，老外就能了解：A man can not be judged by his appearance, nor can the water in the sea be measured by a bucket. 不过，老外通常的说法是这样的：We can not judge a person by appearance only. 或 You can not judge a book by its cover. (意思是：一本书的好坏取决于它的内容，而不是它的封面装帧的漂亮与否。)

口蜜腹剑，笑里藏刀
    
有人译为 His mouth is honey; his heart is a sword. 外国人听了会对这样的比喻摸不着头脑，如果要形容某人"口蜜腹剑，笑里藏刀"，我们可以说 with honey on one"s lip and murder in one’s heart, 或者 honey-mouthed but dagger-hearted. 也可以更直接的译成He is an evil man who has a mouth that praises and a hand that kills.

少壮不努力，老大徒伤悲
    
有人译成 If you neglect study when you are young, what may happen to your old age? 这句问句会把老外问得云里雾里，因为他们沒有"学而优则仕"的思想，也不认为功课差，将来就会伤悲。他们劝告子女经常说的是 Studying / working hard can lead you to a brighter / more promising future. (努力用功会带给你光明的前程。
   当然也可以对年轻人说：Study hard when you are young. It will pay off when you get older. (年轻时好好努力，到老的时就会觉得学有所值。)

学如行舟，不进则退
    
如果直译成：Learning is like rowing upstream; not to advance is to drop back. 老外听后，也许会感到一头雾水。这样修改一下，表达可以清晰一些：  Learning seems like rowing upstream（逆流）; if one does not advance, one will fall back.  Learning is like rowing against the current（激流）, if one does not advance, one will retreat. 更直接的说法是：  If you don’t make progress, you will fall behind.

一日为师，终身为父
    
有这样的译法：  He who teaches me for one day is my father for life.   If you are my teacher for even one day, you will be my teacher (mentor) all my life.  He who teaches me may be considered my father-figure for life.   这几种译法意思都是"老师即使对我只有一天的教诲，也会让我一生都受用不尽"。外国人也有他们表达师生关系的谚语，如：  Teach others to fish and they will fish for a lifetime.（授人以鱼，不如授人以渔）  Give a man fish, he will have a meal; teach him to fish, he will have food all his life.

忠言逆耳，良药苦口
    
有人译成 Faithful words are contrary to the ears; good medicine tastes bitter to the mouth. 也有人反译为：Bitter words are medicine; sweet words bring illness.  Good advice often jars on the ears; bitter pills have good effects. 这些说法，老外也会 "一知半解", 不如直接一点说成：Honest advice may be distasteful to the recipient.
 Honest advice is hard to accept.
 Truth is a hard pill to swallow.
更简单的说就是：
    
 Truth hurts.

近墨者黑，近朱者赤
    
有人直译为
   ：one who stays near vermilion gets stained red, and one who stays near ink gets stained black （vermilion 是朱砂或鲜红色的意思) 也有人译成：When you touch black, you become black; when you touch red, you become red. 这种说法，恐怕老外一时无法理解真正含意。不过他们倒有这么说： One takes the behavior of one’s company. (一个人的行为，往往受到朋友的影响。) 或 One takes on the attributes of one’s associates. (attributes 复数時是指品质、特性；associates 指朋友、同事)  简单的说，就是：  Watch the company you keep！（小心交朋友！）
   或者也可以说成:
   As he who lies with dogs will ride with fleas, how could your son learn anything good by mixing with those people? (你儿子跟那些人混在一起,能学出个好来?)

人山人海：在诗词用语（poetic expression）里，老外也有使用：“a (the) sea of faces”，颇有咱的“人山人海”的味道。例如：Looking out upon the sea of faces, Mr. A delivered a touching speech.（望着一片人山人海的听众，A先生发表一篇动人的演说。）Standing at his podium, President Clinton saw a sea of faces waving at him.（克林顿总统站在讲台上看到人山人海的人群挥手向他致意。）。可见，说话者通常要在台上或高处，才有“人海”的感觉。因此，可以说：“I saw a sea of faces from the top of the building. ”但在平地的人群中，就不说：“I saw the sea of faces.”也不说：“There is a sea of faces.”只说：“I saw a large crowd of people.”

家家有本难念的经：有人译成：“Every family cooking － pot has a black spot.”（意思是：每个家庭的锅子都有黑色的污点。）这样说法，老外恐怕不能充分了解。不过老外最常的说法是：“Many families have skeletons in the closet.（许多家庭的衣柜里都有骨骸，骨骸就是指家丑。）”；或者说：“Every family has its own source of shame.（每个家庭都有自己的丑事）”；说白些，就是：“Every family has its own problem.”

天下无不散的宴席：有人直译为：“There are no feasts in the world which do not break up at last.”老外听后，也许很难体会其中意义。如果按照美语说法，也许更易理解：“All good things come to an end.（意思是：所有好的事情，总有结束的一天。）”；假如是指好友最后也有分别的一天，那么可以说：“Eventually, all bosom friends will drift apart.（bosom friend是指知心的好友）”

平时不烧香，临时抱佛脚：有人照字直译为：“When times are easy, we do not burn the incense,but when the trouble comes, we embrace the feet of the uddha.”这种说法，老外也会一知半解。美语里一般说法是：“Worship God every day; not just in times of adversity.（要每天敬拜神，不是只在困难时。）”；对学生也可以说：“If you study hard every day, exams will not seem overwhelming.（如果你每天用功，考试就不会形成压力。）”

挂羊头，卖狗肉：有人照字直译为：“He advertises mutton, but sells dog’s flesh.”或“He hangs up a sheep’s head at the shopfront and sells dog meat.”这两种译法，恐怕老外都难理解，尤其谈到“狗肉”，他们更会反感，因为狗是他们最爱的宠物，不过老外倒有相近的说法：“He applied bait-and-switch factics in business.（他经商的策略是先引诱顾客来，再改变货物的品质。）”，“Bait-and-switch”当名词用，也可不用连字号“This store uses bait and switch policy.”或者简单的说：“Let the buyer be aware!（让消费者提高警觉）”或“Say one thing and do another.”

一言既出，驷马难追：有人译成：“One word lets slip and four horses will fail to catch it. 或 A statement that once let loose cannot be caught by fo

DeBon蝶

二.表达

  即便你的用词很好,但是表达过于简单,写出来的东西也只是高级词汇的堆砌而已.

表达过于简单是作文中常见的问题-它在很多时候其实并不影响文章的表意,但是却会使文章中重复出现很多的相似的表达,这样就使文章的味道大减.同时,表达的简单也会影响你文章的水平-简单的表达只能传达单薄的意思,往往一目了然,很经不起读.

  比如:It is hot today.这就是一个一个很简单的表达:今天很热.读了这个句子过后,你就只知道今天是热的,也不知道有多么热,同时你读完过后也不能感受到那种热.这样的句子就很干瘪,空洞,是肯定打动不了阅卷人的.

  升级:初级的版本是单纯的改变单词,使用高级一点的词使表达变得好一点:It is boiling today. Boiling沸腾的,表示很热,至少比hot好.

  中级的版本就是改变结构并加入<热>的具体感受:So boiling is it today that I keep sweating all the day!这个句子结合了比较高级的词汇和具体的感受<不停冒汗>,使<热>开始热得具体了.

  高级的版本就是细节描写,而且不出现<热>对应的词来表达<热>这个概念: In a summer afternoon, I will not be astonished to see an egg being beautifully fired on the sidewalk of any street here.这个句子就是用在人行道上可以炒蛋这样一个细节再加上一个很<冷幽默>的修饰词beautifully生动的表示了<热>.当阅卷人看到这样的句子,他/她的脸上就会露出一丝满意的微笑-这就是他们想要的句子.