美国领事馆讲座归来谈留学文书（2）

天心

开篇启示句写作要点：

连贯引起注意

建立一篇文书的主题


Case 1: Economy crisis! This is a terrible time for the world, for US, China. Especially me! Learn more knowledges and skills to prepare for future? My mind get blank but return to 4 years’ ago”
Comments: 避免使用！
          本文用了很多“？”，启示句没有起到开篇布局的作用，我们看不出这篇文章要表达的意思
         
Case 2:
“Once a little child, I asked my father, “Why does the price of a product sometimes go up and sometimes go down?”
文章用实例开篇，形象宣明
但问题提得过于肤浅

Case 3:
I am a student studying A-level course in China and I am really looking forward to studying film course in your university.”
避免告诉读者他们已经知道的东西（你的专业背景，你申请什么，我们已经通过你的简历了解到了）过于平淡，没有任何吸引力)

天心

Case 4
“First of all, I would like to introduce something about my academic performance, mainly mathematics.”
你的文章应该是精华的浓缩，如果你讲你的学习情况，直接讲，不要说我准备讲了少用First，Second，她的原话“First，second使美国小学生常用的说法”

Case 5:
“Sitting in my colorful little room, with piles and piles of colored tiny LEGO bricks on the ground, I went over countless wonderful afternoons pleasantly when I was a little girl.
indulged in building little cities with all these tiny bricks…”
这是老师认为最为出彩的一个例子。吸引读者注意，与下文很好的连贯都做的非常好

“I should tell you some information about me for you to learn about me.”
不要告诉我你将要说什么，说就行了

“My father has his own company of design with computer equipment .So I have been influenced by him and interested in computer since I’m a child.”
展示出来，不要仅仅告诉我
I have been influenced by him and interested in computer since I’m a child（原文）
By the time I was three feet high, I was already using my father’s workstation to design 3-D graphics for my school friends.
To be continued....