DeBon蝶

我的修改

一

Nowadays (nowadays已经是很过时的用法了,建议使用Currently或者at present), many (这些小的地方也是可以注意改动的many可以换成a multitude of) university students have been granted the right to(这里使用错误,应该是the right is granted to students, 这是很正式的用法) choose at least part of their classes(这里用courses表达课程,应该会更准确); this is a beneficial transformation for both the professor (professors) and the students. On professors’ the part, this new system urge them to improve their quality of teaching or they will (be) out of business in that (for the simple reason that) no students will choose the class he\she(s/he) taught(gives). On students’ part(to those students, 尽量避免重复), they can choose classes(course) according to their interests, personal learning ability (capability更好,因为所有人都用ability), and career plan (plans). Nevertheless, this system also poses (这里可以用trigger a problem, 这是引发的比较地道的说法,是可以显示出写作水平的词汇) another worrying(perturbing更好) problem that students might only choose pushover  (楼主在这里用了俚语,用俚语需要慎重, effortless应该更好) classes and dodge(这里用shun更好,因为shun可以更准确的表现出有意的躲闪,而dodge的意思和楼主要表达的意思实际上不一致的) the high-demanding ones. Should grade rather than knowledge they will gain at the end of the semester be the top concern(take the priority) when students decide which classes(courses) to take? I as far as I am concerned, the answer to the above question(questions) is “no, it shouldn’t”. (it指代的什么??)

Admittedly(这是用烂的词,这里可以用indubitably无庸置疑替代), grades are of vital importance(vital和importance概念有重复,这里可以用indispensable替代) to every student, given the daunting(这里用的并不太好,可以用formidable替换,也可以用fierce,激烈) competitions faced by today’s college students(这句话很不通顺,建议后面的条件提前). With the ever(用invariably)-increasing tuitions, the(不用the) top grades can(最好避免用can,这里可以替换为might)
   ,to a certain extent, secure(guarantee)
   an individual’s chance to get(receive) a scholarship, which will greatly relive(lighten和burden对应) student’s financial burden and allow he\she(s/he) to devote more time to pursue academic excellence instead of taking part-time jobs. Moreover, if a student is intended to apply to a graduate school after getting his\her bachelor’s degree, a record of good grades is invariable a must to get admitted by a prestigious grads school. The usefulness of a record of presentable grades will not be any less when the newly graduate try to land a well-paid job with a multinational corporation. All the above cases, with no exception, demonstrate the necessity to keep top grades, which seem to justify the facts that the bulk of the students stay away from the classes, in which to get the top grades looks missions impossible. (这部分真是写得让我无法下笔修改,所有我进行的重写: To such concerns, another one must be added. Academic report invariably plays a cardinal role in job seeking. Let us suppose that, a young man who has just graduated from university with a pathetically low grade attempts to be employed by a big company. Unfortunately, he has to face those who are excellent in their study and have received amazingly highly comments on their academic accomplishments from professors. Undoubtedly, he will inevitably experience the frustration resulted from the failure of job seeking. One with a low grade is really fragile in the fierce, or to be more accurate, brutal competition in modern society.)

While the incentives to keep a good GPA are understandable and acceptable, top grade is definitely not the sole(unique) goal, which we strive(终于看到一个出色的用词了) to achieve in our university years(in the duration of our university time). The knowledge and skills we acquired through the classes, especially those challenging ones, will benefit us in the long run. A challenging class is an adversity; however, we should not fail to realize that we are likely to reap more from a class which is no pushover (Such courses are, to some degree, difficult to cope with. As a matter of fact, it is adverse circumstance that stimulates us to improve our capacity and develop those astonishing potential), (Just) as Henry Ford put it, “in every adversity, there is a chance to grow”.

For example(要想得高分,就最好不要用for example或者for instance), the statistics has always been ranked number one on the charts of
  “must avoided optional classes”(the must-avoid optional classes外国人一般这样用) in my department, which is prepared students to become tomorrow journalists(这句话比较难理解,但是has always been后面一般接进行时). Though mathematics had never been easy for me, I chose statistics in my sophomore year anyway for I knew that statistics could be an indispensable tool in analyzing raw data. I was forced to cut back my other social activities and attended after-class study group during that semester since I had a hard(tough) time to figure out what was taught in my statistics class. Despite all my hard working(In spite of all the endeavor I have made), I only got a B in the end. However, in retrospect, my decision to take statistics was nothing but right for the statistics had proved to be very useful in my daily work as a journalist. (勉勉强强的一段,语法错误较少.但是nothing but在这里用似乎语气不对.) 

In sum, while there are legitimate reasons for those who take a less demanding class to ensure a good grade, we shouldn’t have such a myopic focus since challenging class are proved to be more useful in the long run(不要重复,in the coming days) and we need something challenging to make our university years more interesting and unforgettable. (结尾也比较一般)

这是一篇有很多问题的文章.

1.       论述不清楚.作者想说有些困难的学科也要学,但是却用了大量的篇幅写了些表意不清晰的话.

2.       作者的语法基础不好,有很多不应该出现的错误.

3.       用词的重复很严重.

4.       作者尝试用高级的句型,但是往往出错.

5.       作者连模版都没有学习应用好.

6.       作者多次出现用词不准确,很显然,文章中的词汇是查的低级的字典,而非出自作者的大脑
   

7.       拖沓,语言缺乏力度.

改进的办法
   

1.       如果作者在近期要考TOEFL的话,那应该赶快去背TWE185.作者的作文水平在3分上下.

2.       如果作者还有比较多的时间来准备考试,那应该准备新概念3和4.新概念的文章很好,作者最好可以背下来.

3.       作者的语法错误比较大,最好自学一下语法.

我的语言比较直率,但是也是为楼主好.

You’ve got a long way to go

DeBon蝶

二

Have you ever got a part-time job in a movie theater that cost you only a few minutes（稍微夸张了点） on your way to work? Have you ever enjoyed a movie in the movie theater after a jogging from your home to the movie theater? Have you ever had a discussion on a movie with your friends for over a week?(终于有人犯这个错误了。其实也不算是错误，不过要注意：排比是可以用的，但是用的话最好就用比较有水平的，不然给人的感觉就会不伦不类。同时要提醒的是：排比不一定就是have you...have you...这样很工整的结构，一些较为散的结构实际上也可以构成排比:One thing will provide you with a part-time job which never toils you to death but offer a considerable salary, sounds good? You can also make yourself content via spending some time in it and leave no time for boredom. Appealing? To such attractions, another must be added-it invariably supplies you with adequate material for leisure time chats. Wow, fabulous! Then, what is it-A movie theater.我觉得我这个也一般，只是稍微升了一下级。当然，ETS大概也不会太苛刻，我这里只是建议不要用排比.) If you had never had these experiences, you would never know how much a movie theater near your home could give(offer) you. As a matter of fact, I will be the most excited person on the planet（这个还是太夸张了，不过可以说：I would be the first person to cheer if a movie theater were to be built in our neighborhood） if a movie theater is erected(感动呀，终于有人用我的替换表里边的词汇了，LZ是不是从我的那个表里边看到erect这个词的？erect可是很好的用法) near my home.

(很好很好，没有用模版！模版作文我没有兴趣改。值得鼓励!开头有具体的东西，很好，只是还需要一些加工。)

（这里直接就接理由，太突兀了。可以先说：For one thing，）The movie theater provides various(various强调的是different types,在这里不合适，换成considerable，可观的，似乎比较好） employment opportunities, such as（such as这个词被用得太多，这里用say，<say后面要有逗号>代替such as，这是很多中国学生都不会用的,但是很地道） a booking clerk, a projectionist, a buffet sever and a usher, to the(those) joblessness who are(live) close to(around) the movie theater. It is a strong(potent这个单词可以很好的表达你的意思:effective and powerful) measure to tackle(用得好!这里还可以用cope with) unemployment (in our neighborhood,限定是要加的,这样才使文章严谨). Working in a place adjacent(好好好,没有重复!) to your home can both save time and transportation fee(expense开销,fee的意思是:a sum of money that you pay to be allowed to do something,这里不合适).

If you have already had a fantastic(语气稍微过了点,用ideal吧) job and you are affluent(完全感动了,affluent,多好的词呀!后面加个enough, you are affluent enough), the movie theater will be crucial(crucial的确是important的意思,但是crucial是比较严肃的那种词汇,这里用可以表达到你的意思,但是过于严重了点.要用important也可以,你就写:XXX plays a important role in XXX) to you in a like manner. These days, I bumped into a bit more big beefy man adjoining my home, to my surprise, the majority(这个词在这里又用得不合适,用most吧) of them has not any neck! It seems that they have too much fat(形容猪可以用fat,但千万不要用fat形容人,因为fat是有一种鄙视和贬义的,overweighed是个不错的选择,过重的,而不是肥猪一般的.你说话的时候也要注意,不要用fat,除非那个人你很讨厌). In view of(高级一点的替换:In the light of,鉴于…) the seriousness of the problem, I believe that after a movie theater being established besides my home, various absorbing movies may be the motive power that let you jog or walk to the movie theater every days(这个也太牵强了.). One of my schoolmates did slow-running to the movie theater adjacent to his home to see a appealing movie invariably(invariably表示“总是”这个概念是很好的，但是表示每天，不间断，这里就用every day) during approach a month, eventually, he found it astonished(amazing or astonishing) that he had almost lost 10kg(其实你说kg美国人不一定清楚是多少，以后作文中距离用miles，重量用lbs，表现出你美国化) without any （加个形容词formidable令人生畏的，来反面衬托movie theater的好处）weight-losing diet.（不一定所有的reasons都要例子来支持，例子如果太牵强，就不要举，比如这段的这个）

It is indisputable that currently（好好好，没有用nowadays） an increasing number of people are beginning(这里表达不是很好，可以改为:are gradually accustomed to，渐渐的习惯与) to choose to see a movie at home, for its convenience and time-saving advantage（merits）. Unfortunately, you (simultaneously) will never(lose the chance to) experience the (这里可以用fantastic来修饰了，记住：你要说一个东西好的时候，要用修饰来表明它的好，sound effect不一定是好的，但是fantastic sound effect就是很吸引人的了) sound effect and the atmosphere in the movie theater. After seeing a horror（horrible） movie in the movie theater, once I was alone at home. I checked all the room and hold my books in my hand as a weapon. In contrast(Quite the reverse,恰恰相反的是), my friend who saw the same movie at home was completely normal（我个人认为在家看更恐怖。）. How a simple movie seen at the cinema a week earlier modify my actions（这句话的表意我不清楚）.

According to the reasons mentioned above, I extraordinarily like a new movie theater （to be built）being built in my neighborhood.

（结尾还可以多写点，如果时间不够，就算了）

不错，终于看到一个摆脱模版束缚的文章了。

至少是不落窠臼。

用词不错，达到了多样性的要求，但是还是比较的欠缺准确性，有的地方用的不合适。有空的时候多查查词典。

LZ 写长难句容易出错或者表意不清楚，需要多练习。NCE3和NCE4是我强烈推荐的。

这里就是这些了，

当然还要推荐我的writing tips和我给别人的修改，看看会有帮助

DeBon蝶

Whether should we work with a group as a team or work in dependently(这个句子成分不完整, should…修饰的是whether,句子没有谓语和宾语,所以他给你改动了)? I have to admit that is a tough choice(看来他是比较讨厌废话的,在我以前的修改中我也提到过,能不写废话,就不写). Some people tremendously emphasize the significance of cooperation. Numerous(为了和some对应,这里应该是用other) people, however, think otherwise. They claim that individual talent or ability can not be neglected(other people, however, think it is the other way around-individual talent or ability should not be neglected<这里用一个破折号连接一下,将两个句子揉合到一起>). after a serious thinking ,I believe that the appliance of them depend on difference circumstances(As far as I am concerned, it is the specific circumstance that decides in what way we work-as this circumstance is not the exactly same in every different situation, one’s methodology should adapt to this uncertain circumstance-which means, there is no absolute answer to the question above..我这里改的比较的复杂,但是我个人认为解释了一下,使文章不那么简单. 这里有中立的嫌疑,我不建议中立).

for many cases(这里的确使in most cases,我在以前的修改中也有提到), teamwork is more important than working independently. To give a demonstration(既然他说不好,那就说let us say或者it will suffice to mention), many documents or projects of corporation, as is well- known to everyone, are so complicated and time-consuming(这里有几个问题:一是,你用的as is,但是后面跟的却是are,有不一致;二是,so that是结构,你只有so没有that,这里结合举例的句子,可以说:it will suffice to mention one task that invariably suffers a notorious reputation for it is the combination of complication and the time-consuming-<这里是一个破折号>the file management<我也不清楚档案管理该如何说>), if project(such a project) is done merely by one person, it surely will waste a lot of time and can not be as deliberate(deliberate似乎不这样用) as the teamwork(我这里有一个扩充的修改:Suppose that let an individual to undertake such a project, inevitably, a lot of time will be wasted to finish it for one’s vigor and ability are to some degree limited and the result, of course, is not satisfactory. ). Moreover the careless mistake(这里提醒一下,名词,要么是the+复数,要么是a+单数) made by individual may give rise to a adverse perhaps a catastrophic result(may trigger an adverse or even catastrophic result,两个形容词在这里都是选择性的,所以用一个or连接) which (can) cause the corporation losing vast amount of money,even the reputation(这里可以用名词,which can lead to a financial loss and a damage of reputation simultaneously). nevertheless, working as a team can avoid such disastrous problems(发挥NCE3:Well, if teamwork can be utilized/practiced in such situations, we can be saved so many expanses and miseries). Because the whole project can be divided into many parts such as advertise(advertising), budget and management. due to this(due to this中的due to和because重复了), they can make a better one(我发现你对于每个事件或者假设的解释不够清楚,所以显得比较没有说服力:As the whole project can be divided into many parts such as advertising, budget, and management, those parts can be assigned to different people who have related expertise-via this way, a better result could be expected).

On the other hand, there also are(are also) reverse cases. In many crucial moment(复数) working independently ,as is a case in point(这里和reverse cases重复了), can help the team win the victory. Michael Jordan, the greatest basketball player(他就是最伟大的,用greatest很正确), provide(provided) us (with) a situation(quintessential example) mentioned above. Before the end of last game of the NBA finals against the jazz in the 1997-1998 season(In the sixth game of the NBA 97-98 season Finals against Utah Jazz), Jordan only had one chance to help the team win the game. At that moment, he didn't cooperate with others(我觉得这里这样写成At that moment, MJ, instead of choosing a teamwork, turned to a one-man show-he stole the ball form Malone, dribbled to the front court, shook off Russell, and won the sixth championship with a perfect majesty shoot-incredibly and, because all of this were done by MJ himself, independently), he played at a level. Then he made a jump shot with 5.2 seconds left that sealed a 87-86 victory and won his sixth NBA championship.

Consequently as you see(在我所有的修改中,我一直不用这样的句子,首先是我不喜好用you,然后是这样的用法我不肯定.) it is extremely(有的时候,为了表达自己的观点的正确性和无可置疑性,我们用副词来加强语气;我也提到过,在表达否定的时候,最好不要太绝对.这里是中间,也就是一个比较客观的立场,所以最好不要加带有主观倾向的副词,但是,这里可以说next to impossible) hard to conclude (名词原则,make a conclude/arrive at a consensus) which is or(more) important. Working with a group of people and working independently, therefore, are equally significant.

DeBon蝶

课文详解

这篇NCE的文章的语言广泛适用语TOEFL写作中的preference题目和同意或不同意题目.文章的本身是写城市生活比乡村的好,根185的有一题是一致的.看我的分析是一部分,非牛们把里边的句子背下来,写作的时候换换主宾就可以直接使用!效果很好!)

 

 

 

The quiet life of the country has never appealed to me(第一句清楚的称述自己的观点,但是没有用模版式的agree or disagree或者I like, I do not like之类的). City born and city bred(经典句子,作文的highlight,在别的地方同样可以移植类似的结构), I have always regarded(避免了使用think这样的词汇,以后大家要写think的时候,就用regard as) the country as something you look at through a train window(细节的具象化,ETS不喜欢那些抽象的大道理却偏好这些很具体的小细节,这也就是为什么所有的Topic里边都有一个specific的原因了), or something you occasionally(副词的使用充分的表达作者的感情和限定成分,同时避免了sometimes这种相对常见的使用) visit during the weekend. Most of my friends live in the city, yet they always go into raptures at the mere mention of the country(超强的句子!go into rapture,这里用一个很动感的短语表现了friend的狂喜,同时使用了always和mere两个词构成鲜明的对比,表达很生动!). Though they extol the virtues(赞美的高级说法,用一个3词的短语替代一个干瘪的praise,不仅在字数上多了,而且表达更好) of the peaceful life, only one of hem has ever gone to live in the country and he was back in town within(within虽然不是什么高级的东西,但是大家常常忘记用,或者根本没有用within的意识) six months. Even he still lives under the illusion(under the illusion活在幻想之下,这个短语本身就很好,同时,大家在写作时也可以用:a multitude of people live under the illusion that A is superior to B, however, from my perspective…) that country life is somehow superior to town life(somehow也是好词!当你要说有的人荒谬的观点时,就可以说:why some deem A as the optimal choice and somehow superior to B is really beyond me.). He is forever talking(be forever doing,当强调一个动作的时候,这是很好的,be doing比一个单一的do来的强烈得多) about the friendly people, the clean atmosphere(atmosphere的使用避免的用俗了的environment), the closeness to nature and the gentle pace(gentle pace, gentle完美的形容了乡村生活,准确而生动的形容词使用) of living. Nothing can be compared(又学到了,无与伦比的说法,在表达自己肯定的观点的时候可以使用), he maintains, with the first cockcrow, the twittering of birds at dawn, the sight of the rising sun glinting on the trees and pastures. This idyllic pastoral scene is only part of the picture(only part of the picture,仅仅是问题的一个方面,这个短语是很常用的!). My friend fails to mention(这里用fail to do替代了does not do,因为does not do实在太低级了,而fail to do则是好很多) the long and friendless(漂亮的使用) winter evenings in front of the TV(又是一个具体的细节,很符合ETS的口味) -- virtually (在写作中actually这个概念是很容易出现了,这里使用了virtually替换,避免了撞车)the only form(看来唯一的方式不仅仅只是the only way, 这里又用了一个替换,避免了过于普遍的用词) of entertainment. He says nothing(ATTENTION:作者一直没有用does not,却两次表达了否定,say nothing肯定比does not say来得好) about the poor selection of goods in the shops, or about those unfortunate people who have to travel from the country to the city every day to get to work. Why people are prepared to tolerate a four-hour journey each day for the dubious privilege of living in the country is beyond me(注意这里的why…beyond me这种用法,在你要反驳一种观点的时候是很有用的). They could be saved so much misery and expense if they chose to live in the city where they rightly belong(其实这是一个作文结尾的不错模版,可以避免单一乏味的重复).

　　If you can do without(do without,把…方在一边,很强的用法,写作的时候需要反驳一方并支持另一方的时候可以用,如:If you can do without the dubious merits of A, you will swiftly find B…) the few pastoral pleasures of the country, you will find the city can provide you with the best that life can offer. You never have to travel miles to see your friends. They invariably(invariably是我强烈推荐的always的替换,这个词是人家很常用的) lie nearby and are always available for an informal chat or an evening's entertainment. Some of my acquaintances(避免了friends的重复) in the country come up to town once or twice a year(具体的次数其实就是details,大家记住nce or twice绝对比several times好很多,这样才可以体现出你文章的specific,不要认为这些小的地方可以忽视,其实在文章中注意细节,是可以make a difference的!) to visit the theatre as a special treat(特殊待遇). For them this is a major operation which involves(involve这个词大家都知道,却不常用) considerable(elaborate也不错) planning. As the play draws to its close(draw to its close,接近的意思,避免了过于大众的come to the end), they wonder(wonder也是一个建议多用的词汇) whether they will ever catch that last train home. The city dweller never experiences(experience, undergo和suffer两个词汇最好是有机会就用,没有机会创造机会用,ATTENTION: undergo, suffer是经历不好的事) anxieties of this sort(没有出现kind). The latest exhibitions, films, or plays are only a short bus ride away(a short bus ride away,用具体的描写替代了nearby这个概念,这是大家应该学习的,以后形容近就可以说:A is only a couple of minutes walk away). Shopping, too, is always a pleasure. There is so much variety that you never have to make do with(make do with,相信这是大家几乎没有听说过的用法,就是凑合着用的意思,和有用的用法,你可以写:Via the help of B, one will never have to make do with XXX) second best. Country people run wild(run wild是使用避免了crazily这个干瘪的词,如果你能够用frantically当然也很好)
    when they go shopping in the city and stagger home loaded with as many of the exotic items as they can carry(OMG,这个句子很具体的写出了乡村人的不幸,作者用了stagger蹒跚,loaded with装载,as many as they can多, exotic items外来物品,4个概念组成了一幅农民进城的生动画面,阅卷人就喜欢这样的有details<details在TOEFL考试中其实是很重要的一个东西,简直是crucia>)句子,以后大家想要形象的描写一个东西就可以按照这个句子的模式来些). Nor is the city without its moments of beauty(双重否定表肯定,用这样的句子就可以显示出你的语言功底,同时要提醒的是moments of xxx这个用法是要一有机会就用的,比如你先说B有什么不好,再说A很好,你就说Nor is A without its moments of XXX). There is something comforting about the warm glow shed by advertisements on cold wet winter nights. Few things could be more impressive than the peace that descends on deserted city streets at weekends when the thousands that travel to work every day are tucked away in their homes in the country(这个句子你很可能一掠而过,但是这里的结构同样是值得学习的: Few things could be more impressive than A其实就是A is more impressive than many things,但是这里一个小小的替换就避免了简单的称述句,这是那些句子很单一的同学们应该好好学习的). It has always been a mystery to me who city dwellers, who appreciate all these things, obstinately pretend that they would prefer to live in the country(漂亮的收尾,没有反对的词汇,却表示出了反对的意思,这也是结尾的一个很好的模版).