Some Common Mistakes Made By Chinese Students in Their Personal Statements
---By Jonco (jonco@essaychoice.com)
1. The introduction part:
Many Chinese students, who are used to a writing style from their primary/middle school essays, tend to begin their P.S.s with some "big" statements without any specifics.
For example:
"Nothing is impossible, for the dream of yesterday is the hope of today and the reality of tomorrow". This old saying always lingers in my mind; it reminds me that every dream can be reached through hard work...
The paragraph seems to be inspirational. However, in western culture, generic statements like these are not really appreciated, especially in your "personal" essay. Admission committee members in U.S. schools might get confused about what you really want to say.
Most of the times, the best way to start an essay is to be as specific and personal as possible. Some good examples are: describe a defining moment in your life, ask an interesting question to the readers, directly present your points in a convincing way, etc.
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2. Basic grammatical/spelling errors.
It is hard to overemphasize this. Even if your ideas are articulated clearly in your P.S, a few grammatical errors are all it takes to leave a less-than-perfect impression on the minds of the professors. Just because of a few mistakes you've made in your essay, all your hard work might not pay off.
Imagine you are reading a Chinese article. For the most part, it is structured, concise, and interesting. However, some basic words are used in a wrong or very strange way. Do you still have a favorable impression for the writer?
3. Logic
Although P.S. is an excellent opportunity to project a vivid and detailed image of yourself, to describe your emotions and feelings when appropriate, it is equally important to show the logical side of your personality as well. Remember this is a part of the graduate school application in which you are supposed to show your research capabilities and demonstrate that you can think and write clearly. In some extent, the P.S is also an academic writing.
You need to maintain a formal, almost reserved tone.
Sentences like this,
"I have struggled hard to find a solution to the problem...",
should be avoided as much as possible. It is better we use alternative wording to convey the same
message, but in a less subjective and emotional way.
"I am familiar with the frustration and despair when trying to solve the problem..."
You need to have a central theme in your presentation, clearly state that theme and make sure
every sentence surrounds that theme.
Throw out every thing that is not related to your theme, make every word count. For example, your P.S should NOT be your autobiography, you don't need to say where/when you were born (unless they are relevant). People should feel a sense of clarity and purpose from reading your writings.
You need to control the flow and structure.
In preparation for your essay, after you identify the theme, you need to find a simple and straightforward way to present it and support it. There are some well-established templates for that. The key is, you should control the overall flow and structure when telling your story. You should also pay attention to the transitions between paragraphs.
Here we just show two examples:
Template 1. Bring up your theme in the first paragraph and then explain it in the following paragraphs.
Paragraph 1: I've always been interested in Chemistry...
Paragraph 2: I first started to learn Chemistry in....
Paragraph 3: I always had an inkling that my future lay in science and technology, so after graduating from high school, I entered YYY university with Chemistry as my major...
Other paragraphs to follow...
Template 2. Start from a real story and gradually lead the readers to come to your theme
(in Paragraph 4).
Paragraph 1: XX company was in big trouble. Its engineering team could not deliver its flagship
software product in time...
Paragraph 2: I joined a task force to investigate the miscommunications among different departments...
and we also tried to identify areas for improvements...It was a huge responsibility...
Paragraph 3: I am familiar with the frustration and despair when trying to solve the problem...
Paragraph 4: Finally, I came to realize the importance of management skills, that was when I first had the idea to pursue an MBA degree and apply...because it can really help me ...
Other paragraphs to follow...
We've read some P.S.s that are like this: they are very lengthy and full of interesting materials, they describe many colorful characteristics of the authors. However, they all suffer from one problem: they don't have a central theme. The authors fail to show the way they think. The "logic", which is what the admissions staff looks for, is nowhere to be found in their writings. Those P.S.s are good for publications, but not for applications. | 
